This is a tale
of a half that wasn’t
and a whole that wasn’t
Happy it was, humming
the song that was in its head.
It lived its life not
And its days not spent
But once the half
the whole found
its old song
with new combinations,
of which it never sounded so.
Every note was the same,
but it leapt with a vigor
From where it didn’t know.
Apart they were good,
But together they were better.
A choice was then made
to be together forever.
To be frank, it took a while
for me to be the Bigger person,
to acknowledge that the
part I played in our destruction
may have been small,
but that maybe it ate at you,
chip by chip.
And for a time, I just got so
tired of picking up the pieces
of our brokenness and
sweeping them under the
rug of my shame—
my shame of never having
to keep things whole, to
see every love story
play out to its worst ending.
But once I allowed myself to be happy
that you had found the person
who steadied your intrepid heart,
I realized that I could rest easier at night,
knowing one less broken-hearted soul
and hoping that when I finally get it right,
it will have all been worth it.
I want to seem to have things figured out
so that it’s easy for you to run to me
And before you even see my tears,
they’ve all dried out
so that I can offer you a sunny day
Even though I’m not as put together
as I’m perceived to be,
you’ll never have to face
that side of me.
Someday, when you’re okay
I’ll tell you my story.
Not because I want your pity,
but because everyone goes through
We have our own cross to carry.
Why do you feel the need to discredit me
To make our parting sound as though you had expected it from the start?
I came into this relationship with just as much fervor as you did.
Believe it or not, I had the highest hopes that ours would be the one to beat;
That ours would be the standard all our friends would be holding a candle to.
But now that I’ve finally accepted that it’s not working out for either of us,
I have to be the villain?
While I’ve realized it’s nothing that you did,
I also recognize that it’s nothing I did or didn’t do that caused the collapse.
It simply didn’t work out.
The fact that I struck the final blow that led to the demise of us didn’t make it any less painful for me,
Didn’t give me the satisfaction that you imagined I got.
But go ahead and assail my person if it’s your way of making sense of what had happened.
I’m just happy I didn’t waste more of our time.
I am post love—
Free from the binds that held me tight
Released from the delusions of what might
I am post hurt—
Now I can see in plain sight
That I am strong and you are right
To let me go.
I am post you—
I now accept that I am day and you are night
Unburdened, my heart feels light
And buoyant once more.
There is a residual feeling
that lingers on my skin.
Like a limb that’s no longer there,
I still feel your hand
on the small of my back
Drawing circles on my neck.
I am haunted by your touch.
The minute I leave your side,
I yearn for your warmth,
I close my eyes and
Savor everything that lingers
Until I see you again.
Oh to be in love with the undead is a tricky business
How do I wipe the cringe from my face every time you trace it with a cold finger?
How do I hold your unblinking gaze?
How do I look unfazed when you stare at me with steely blankness?
But I love you beyond warmth, beyond life, beyond time
And my singular hope is that this burning yearning, my passion unending is enough to bring the blush back to your cheeks, the warmth of your kisses on my neck, the longing in your loins.
Until those dreams come true, I share my breath with you.
© 2016 Anj CP
*A late Halloween-inspired love poem 😊