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It is not an easy replacement
of food over love.
While desserts are a delight to my tongue
(and so has your kisses),
And soup can warm my belly
(as your hand on it can do),
food will never pay me a compliment
or stare at me deliciously.
Falling in love with food is a one-sided affair…
which is what ours has become.
To be frank, it took a while
for me to be the Bigger person,
to acknowledge that the
part I played in our destruction
may have been small,
but that maybe it ate at you,
chip by chip.
And for a time, I just got so
tired of picking up the pieces
of our brokenness and
sweeping them under the
rug of my shame—
my shame of never having
to keep things whole, to
see every love story
play out to its worst ending.
But once I allowed myself to be happy
that you had found the person
who steadied your intrepid heart,
I realized that I could rest easier at night,
knowing one less broken-hearted soul
and hoping that when I finally get it right,
it will have all been worth it.
This is thing…I saw this coming
A mile away.
And yet, I chose to stay
It was all for wrong reasons
Masked as good intentions
Because I couldn’t make
The decision to break
Things off.
Maybe it was for my mom’s sake
And the dog’s too
And my friends’ dreams
Of what might have seemed
Like #goals.
Now that it’s over,
How hard to sweep under
All the hearts that we broke.
You know how some people just naturally flow into each other?
How their conversations, however often or seldom, feel effortless?
While I’ve never assumed that ours would ever be that simple,
I thought it would grow into something more familiar.
But still, after all this time, your words of love for me sound contrived.
Your touch feels more and more foreign.
And I’ve realized that while I’m sorry to have dragged this on for so long,
I’m not sorry enough to stay.
Nobody could have predicted it
Not even a crystal ball
I thought you’d always kiss my feet
In for the long haul
I certainly kept you on your toes
Took delight in your misery
How you lasted this long
Is certainly a mystery
I waved a carrot across your face
Tied it to a very long stick
I thought I had better options
Assumed I could have my pick
My friends didn’t fail to warn me
Playing with fire is unwise
But you seemed to be determined
To win my heart as the prize
I was speecheless when I realized
My heart’s been cheering for you all along
While my mouth mocked and teased you,
It was silently singing your love song.
And just when I was ready to surrender
You threw the towel in defeat
I am left with my heart in my hand
Eating my own conceit.
No bullshit, no backtalk
Let’s just take a walk.
No jokes, no banter
Don’t give me a cold shoulder.
Just tell me straight to my face
Why there is this space
That no amount of hand holding,
No cuddling, no body rubbing
Could erase.
And I fear
The close is near
Without me even knowing
What caused this gaping
space
Where do I start to trace
What went wrong
Or for how long
We will pretend
Until it all just ends…
Let’s talk, please.
I received my parchment today
An invitation from you.
It said you’re getting married
Something we never got around to
I was surprised I was invited
I didn’t know we were ‘there’ yet
It’s either your bride is just that kind.
Or frankly, I’m not really a threat
It will take a lot of swallowing
To keep my pride down
But I want to see you at your best
And your bride in her gown.
And I will allow my tears to fall
So that when you look, you will know
Etched on my face is pure regret
For ever letting you go.
I paid too high a fee
For the chance to be set free
A square and even trade
I smugly thought I made
Exchanged a single heart
For a bag of false starts
And now I’m left to grieve
For the one I can’t retrieve
I paid dearly for my choice
Wish I went beyond the noise
All my lives I would spend
If our love I could mend.
